2011: Heartbreak. 2012: ?
Last year was full of natural disasters in the World of Zoë Blue. I started January 1, 2011 with a broken heart, thanks to Luka. Then I met Rafael (heartbreak), and Anand (more heartbreak). It’s now 2012, and my heart is still feeling the effects of the marathon of happiness and devastation. The emotional stakes were higher and the falls harder in 2011 than in 2010. And now, even as I see a thoughtful hand extended my direction, I am evermore cautious. Will this man hurt me? And, perhaps more poignantly now, will I hurt him?
Despite what an entire industry based on dating will tell you, seduction is easy if you flash a smile and try a little. In my opinion, it’s not the getting that’s the difficult part, but the keeping. In part, men are reticent and fearful in the path of my direct, unflinching attention. On the other hand (and here I admit fully to my flaws) I decide quickly, leaving just as soon as I enter, my actions just as cold as they were hot.
But cautiousness marks the beginning of this year. The other day, while facing a man whose raw, easy vulnerability brought him to say that I could trust him, I knew that my answer would be: Not yet. It could have been him or anyone, but it was and is too soon. Last year I grieved and now, facing the newness of a unplanned calendar no longer marked with visits to Anand, I am veiling my gaze, a ray so strong that at its weakest it can stun both him and I.
I am now approaching relationships as slowly as I can, allowing the inchoate forms of friendships take their natural shape without forming it in a mold I or they desire. It may be idealistic and challenging, but most of my rewarding relationships have been with friends, and I no longer want to dirty the name of love in the habit of eagerness.
As pop goddess and truthsayer Robyn notes,
“If you’re for real and not pretend
then I guess you can hang with me
And if you do me right
I’m gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I’m gonna confide in you
I know what’s on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me”
Here’s to a disgruntled goodbye to 2011 and a happy greeting to 2012. This year may involve love or it may not, but if it does, I hope it is healthy and long-lasting. If it doesn’t, let’s relish those other-loves in our lives: our friends, those angelic beings who I hope welcomed in your New Year’s Eve just as mine did.