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2011: Heartbreak. 2012: ?

January 4, 2012

Suck it, 2011.

Last year was full of natural disasters in the World of Zoë Blue. I started January 1, 2011 with a broken heart, thanks to Luka. Then I met Rafael (heartbreak), and Anand (more heartbreak). It’s now 2012, and my heart is still feeling the effects of the marathon of happiness and devastation. The emotional stakes were higher and the falls harder in 2011 than in 2010. And now, even as I see a thoughtful hand extended my direction, I am evermore cautious. Will this man hurt me? And, perhaps more poignantly now, will I hurt him?

Despite what an entire industry based on dating will tell you, seduction is easy if you flash a smile and try a little. In my opinion, it’s not the getting that’s the difficult part, but the keeping. In part, men are reticent and fearful in the path of my direct, unflinching attention. On the other hand (and here I admit fully to my flaws) I decide quickly, leaving just as soon as I enter, my actions just as cold as they were hot.

But cautiousness marks the beginning of this year. The other day, while facing a man whose raw, easy vulnerability brought him to say that I could trust him, I knew that my answer would be: Not yet. It could have been him or anyone, but it was and is too soon. Last year I grieved and now, facing the newness of a unplanned calendar no longer marked with visits to Anand, I am veiling my gaze, a ray so strong that at its weakest it can stun both him and I.

I am now approaching relationships as slowly as I can, allowing the inchoate forms of friendships take their natural shape without forming it in a mold I or they desire. It may be idealistic and challenging, but most of my rewarding relationships have been with friends, and I no longer want to dirty the name of love in the habit of eagerness.

As pop goddess and truthsayer Robyn notes,

“If you’re for real and not pretend

then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right

I’m gonna do right by you

And if you keep it tight

I’m gonna confide in you

I know what’s on your mind

there will be time for that too

if you hang with me”

Here’s to a disgruntled goodbye to 2011 and a happy greeting to 2012. This year may involve love or it may not, but if it does, I hope it is healthy and long-lasting. If it doesn’t, let’s relish those other-loves in our lives: our friends, those angelic beings who I hope welcomed in your New Year’s Eve just as mine did.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. January 5, 2012 12:54 pm

    I love your resolution. I think we often dive in too willingly or hold back too much – there’s a happy medium. There’s something to be said for easing into a relationship as a friendship, letting it move in its own direction without forcing your own ideas of what should be happening at any given moment on it. It worked for me. Crossing my fingers for you in 2012!

    • January 5, 2012 1:23 pm

      Thank you, Kelly! I’m hoping for the best for you this year too. :)

      I’m trying to release my expectations, while maintaining a clear head. It’s a challenge, albeit one I willingly take on!

  2. January 5, 2012 11:31 pm

    It sounds like you need to take a break from all this heart break. Don’t jump into a relationship just to get over the one you had before. Is there something missing in your life that you want to fill ?

    • January 10, 2012 1:16 pm

      There is nothing, absolutely nothing, missing in my life. I have a multitude of friends, travel plans, school (which I’m successful at), good food, and Californian sunshine.

      In 2010, I attempted, multiple times, to take a complete break from dating. I was generally successful, and passed as many as three months without dating (I called it my “Month of No” if you recall). However, I no longer want to limit myself from the inevitable. Because I connect with people at a visceral level, I make friendships quickly and deeply, and some of those connections blossom into romance. To limit or prohibit myself from dating would make it all the more desirable. So I believe my approach is more realistic this time: I want to build relationships slowly, through non-physical friendships, until I am able to decide. I personally am able to decide more objectively when I am non-physical. I am not naive enough to put a time limit on this prohibition, but neither am I naive enough to prohibit dating altogether.

      If I could transport you into my existence for a few minutes, I think you’d understand. I still stand by the choices I’ve made in the past: those men made me happy and brought me a sense of calm. Breakups are difficult if not impossible to predict and because I am only able to feel deeply, I also hurt deeply. I’m ok with that. I heal, I move on, I make friends, men approach me again, and I make as wise a decision as I possibly can, given the circumstances. This year, I want to delay my decision until I know more. Until then, I am more than grateful for the friends in my life, and the sunshine, and the home-made granola sitting on my kitchen counter. :)

  3. January 10, 2012 12:49 pm

    “most of my rewarding relationships have been with friends, and I no longer want to dirty the name of love in the habit of eagerness”

    This. So much this. Exactly this.

    • January 10, 2012 1:17 pm

      <3

      You're the best, Miss V. I'm so glad you understand.

  4. January 10, 2012 2:49 pm

    2012 is just going to be better for everyone. It has to be. I don’t know how much more of 2011 any of us can take.

  5. Sophia Chang permalink
    April 26, 2012 4:46 pm

    I love Robyn – and I love this blog! Surfed over as a BlogHer sister and I’m addicted. I used to write a lot about relationships on my pseudonymous blog, but then I crafted a professional one. I totally miss writing about personal stuff, but I do keep a completely anonymous private one lol.

    • July 25, 2013 1:57 pm

      Hi there Sophia, this is likely too late to respond to you – I stepped away from this blog for over a year – but I just wanted to say “thank you” for stopping by. I really appreciate readers like you – you really made me smile. :)

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