Because it’s a bittersweet symphony that’s life.
June Gloom ... in July.
For those of you who are new to my blog, or to me, welcome to the wild inner world of Miss Blue. Most recently, this has been a tumultuous inner world, one that nearly led to an emotional breakdown today. I had the help of the usual suspects like my friends Angela, Adriana, Mom and Serena, as well as a few unlikely friends: Thor, Ansel and even my ex.
I was faced with a reality so mind-bending that I felt as if I had been given a fork, a plate of shit, and ordered to eat:
I was asked to consider leaving my doctoral program.
Even typing that sentence makes me catch my breath. Many of the reasons I were given were: 1) I was spending too much time “enjoying life” (e.g., taking a trip to Spain last October – never mind that I spent four hours every night working on a paper) and that 2) I was not being a good researcher (e.g., not publishing my work – never mind that I apply to and present at two to four conferences a year). I was blindsided. I knew I wasn’t the best Ph.D. student in my department, but the fact that I had been asked to consider leaving was beyond comprehension. My work is excellent, even if I am not able to conduct it in a manner and time frame my professors are looking for. Nevertheless, I know I did not communicate well with certain faculty, notably my advisor, who I have a tense relationship with. Additionally, I was told my funding would be cut next year. But most heartbreakingly, I realized that people who had believed in me two years ago no longer believed in me.
So I was faced with a few difficult decisions to make.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I had difficulty breathing. I spent most of today crying and calling friends, including the people I mentioned earlier. All of them parceled out their day to talk to me. For that, I’m grateful beyond belief. All of them offered me what I needed: A logical perspective and emotional support.
Also, that adage about raining / pouring? So true. In addition to the usual woes, which are heart-heavy enough, I also had to pay for a major car repair … and my computer cord broke. Thank God for the Apple Genius Bar, sweet mechanics named Juan who give you major discounts because they see your tear-stained face, and espresso coffee.
What I know is this: I’m going to continue and complete my Ph.D. if it’s the last thing I do. But I may need to change my plans on how I do that.
So, romance has been the farthest thing from my mind recently. What I needed today was friendship, even if I had to ask a couple of exes to help me. And it is for these friendships that I can regain some life to my life. Thanks to them, I can pick myself up and carry on.
The song of the day – so appropriate to the British-like “June Gloom” southern California has been experiencing recently – is The Verve‘s “Bittersweet Symphony”:
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Awww Zoe!
You must remember.. some days your the windshield and some days you’re the insect. And life just wouldn’t be as neat if we didn’t get these setbacks. I know how you feel.. I definitely had some issues back in my uni days. (Man I sound old)
You seem like a good student and are quite intelligent. I’m sure you can do anything if you put your mind to it. I do believe in you and in the fact that you will get over this hurdle and will use it to climb even higher.
The ones who love you will always be there to offer you support no matter how evil other people might think you to be. :*) If you want someone to talk to feel free to call or text me!
I am definitely the bug. Although which kind, I’d like to know.
Well, considering that you and I can be very similar in our outlook, Ron, I’m not surprised you’ve had a similar experience. Needless to say, I’m not out of the woods yet with this situation, but having support like yours is invaluable. Thank you.
I’ve never commented, but wow, how horrifying! Times like this you just want to carve a hole right out of the ground and do a jack-knife to nowhere. I received a “D” on my first essay at UCLA with the comment, “Have you ever written a paper before?!” Worst day of my undergrad…
I appreciate you sharing this, albeit painful. Can I say how I LOVE your new reaction though?? You finish that Ph.D girl, and know there is an entire community believing in you.
It was and continues to still haunt my thoughts. I am still working through everything and it looks like I’ve got a new advisor who I’ll be switching to as soon as is appropriate.
Ouch about that “D” and BIG ouch about that comment. Stupid teacher. And that was the worst day of your undergrad, in your freshman year? Congrats on finishing after that let-down.
It is painful, and I still haven’t had the guts to even re-read the post, that’s how painful it still is. I will finish the Ph.D., I just need to find my feet. And I will.
Thanks for your support, Loni.
I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must have felt to face this news. Yet your attitude to forge ahead with stronger focus and a solid plan makes me very hopeful for you. You *can* do this! You are awesome.
It was heartbreaking and humiliating, but it was also eye-opening and I’ve taken action to move forward. I will not be held back. Thank you for your support of my awesomeness. At times like these I don’t feel that way, so it’s good to hear support from my community, even if I’ve never even met half the people in this community.
Oh Zoe, I’m so sorry you had to receive that news… but yes, thank goodness for friendship and community. Sending you lots of positive vibes and thoughts… xoxo
Lisa, I can always rely on you for a smile and a laugh. And your positive vibes did are ARE helping.
Similiar thing happen to me when I was in school. But the truth of the matter was, I was not a good student. I did not get my work done on time, was not showing serious dedication and interest, spent way too much time on my social life (no offense Zoe, but from what I read on this blog, you have plenty of time for spa dates with friends, long earnest talks, haircut parties and love affairs). Anyway, I left the program, worked in my field, grew up a lot, and 1 1/2 years later, returned back to my program and became the top student. 8 years after graduation, I have a very sucessful career and am known for being hard-working and dedicated.
The truth might hurt, but perhaps your advisors have a point.
One last thought: I read once an article about the Clash. The lead singer was asked what the club/party scene was like when they were recording London Calling. To paraphrase his answer: ” I don’t remember going to any parties, I just remember working all the time on the record.”
Nothing worth having comes easy.
Lisa, your comment is full of truth and tough-love honesty. It’s still a long process of self-discovery that I’m going through but I’ll be the first to say (although I am technically now the second to say it, after you) that I didn’t put in the amount of time I needed to work on this Ph.D. I am not offended; you just noticed what was obvious.
A small disclaimer (if it matters, because I’m certainly not trying to make myself “look good”): I don’t blog about my academic life. It doesn’t make for sensational posts. It’s the days and weeks that I’m NOT posting that I’m sitting at home, working on a paper. Just because I don’t blog about it doesn’t mean that I am a lousy student. I haven’t been the best student – I’ll freely admit to it – but the list of accomplishments I’ve achieved in the last few months is still, in my mind, nothing to sneeze at.
Like you, however, I am reaching the point where I am seriously considering a break. It’s not what I originally had in mind but I am feeling burnt out and the active social life I’ve led is, I believe, a type of resistance to years of four-hour nights of sleep, continual pressure and a lack of a social life. So I think I was pushing back. Add this to the fact that I had ended a MAJOR relationship that my bf and I maintained throughout my grad school years. Now that I’m single and a little burnt out, I’m reacting. But that’s ok too, and eventually I’ll find my feet. I’m putting in the steps to right my wrongs and find a way to finish this.
Regarding your last statement about the Clash, though: contrary to most grad students and advisors, I think a social life IS important to staving off insanity. I have no doubt I overdid it, but does that make it any less important to get OUT on the weekends and laugh and forget about school for a few hours? No, it doesn’t.
Hey Zoe. I’m sad to hear about your circumstances. It must feel like everything is falling apart. Like you don’t deserve all of this punishment being heaped on you. And truly you don’t.
Sometimes it can be a blessing in disguise. Take a step back. Clear your mind. Ask yourself: Is this how I want it to be ?
We run circles in our minds every day, and we don’t see things around us. Maybe it’s time to take a break. Get off the circular track.
It’s OK … we will still be here for you when you return.
Blackie, thank you for your sage words. Whenever you comment on my blog, I feel honored.
I too believe this is a blessing in disguise, and I have been taking that step backward to reassess the situation. I haven’t reached any real conclusions yet, but have come up with a few alternatives. And somehow, knowing I have the choice makes my life seem a lot more sunny.
I do think I’ll need a break, but I think I might take it later. A break from blogging too, although that will mean fewer posts, not NO POSTS. Because THAT would be awful. Blogging has been one of the great joys I’ve discovered in the last six months. And hey, re-discovering my love of writing can’t be all that bad, right?
Hope this represents a great turning point in your life that you can one day look back on happily.
Until then, cry it out, wallow, shop, drink, soak in the tub, play with friends, go on a trip, scream, write about —–or whatever you need to do to pay tribute to the fact that in the “here and now” –this sucks. I’m sorry.
I’d say it definitely IS a turning point. What it will turn into is still an unknown.
Oh, I’d say I’ve definitely done all the of above: Cried, shopped, drank, soaked in the tub, played with friends, took a trip (I’m on one now actually), screamed, wrote. It DOES suck but right now? It sucks a lot less. What made the difference? Figuring out that I had options and that life does go on even if it isn’t the way you always expected it.
Thanks for your comment, Jess.
I’m so sorry that all of this is hapenning to you. I’ve definitely been in your position and received similar crushing news. It hurts especially when you know that you’ve worked hard & all that hard work is just overlooked because it doesn’t fit with someone’s expectations.
Please accept this cross-border made in Canada virtual hug from me xox
Thank you, Simone. I appreciate this overwhelming support I’ve received from the blogging community. How did I get this lucky?
I accept the virtual hug. And hope to reciprocate it in Canada sometime soon (December, maybe?).
This stinks on ice, but it sounds like you’re more determined than ever. Good for you. With that kind of drive and determination.. you’re sure to succeed.
I am more determined than ever, although I alternate between being hyper-determined and wanting to give up. In other words, it’s a weird place to be. But somehow it’ll all work out.
Thank you for your support; the one thing I’ve noticed about my life is that I DO succeed at what I do. So whatever happens…it should be successful.
This discouraging news will just make the victory that much sweeter when you achieve it, right? You’re a strong woman, you know you can do this. It hurts now, but use the pain as motivation to prove those who said you should quit wrong.
I wish you lots of luck and look forward to hearing more about your journey.
Right! That’s one way of looking at it – perhaps the best way of looking at it. The pain is both a motivator and a deterrent, so I’m looking at switching up my perspective and possibly my environment.
I’ll keep you posted on the journey.
I’m really sorry that some people just don’t see what we’re capable of sometimes, which is why I’m glad you’re sticking it out and getting your doctorate anyway. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. Be true to who you are and what you want, as Dr. Seuss says, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
xo
I fortunately have a team of people who support me OUTSIDE my program. So that helps tremendously. And comments like yours really do encourage me to keep on going, too. Thank you.
Love the Dr. Seuss comment. Such good and astute advice couldn’t be better timed.
As horrible as it might sound, I think this is actually a good thing.
Sometimes the only way to get back into the rhythm of things is to screw up so bad that your ego is laying on the floor saying “this is it. no more. I need to step it up”
And as always: if life sucks…blog about it (it always results in high views! :D
You are absolutely right. Adversity is good for personal development. That’s the way I’ve always seen it and it’s taken me a while but I think I’m finally getting over the pain and shock of hearing that from my advisor. Now I’m just reacting and (I believe) doing so in a positive way.
But yes, sometimes you need to screw up to get yourself right again.
And blogs will follow, in rain or shine. :)
I’m starting to feel a bit like Jobe in my own life these days between my divorce, a buddy dying suddenly, potentially losing my house, being told I need to seek new employment asap, apartment hunting w/no idea if I can outlast a lease or not, and recently, my cat running away. At the end of the day, I’ve learned all you can do is wipe away the tears, stand up, and say “You WON’T break me” and fight on. You have more friends than you know and they usually manifest themselves in these times like I’m learning. Use that strength to find optimism and come back stronger than ever.
I hear you, BR. Job had it rough, and it’s times like these that you can find solace in his story. Actually, my friends and family have put in quite a lot of prayers for me and I have to say that my life has been turned around, slowly but surely, by the support they (and, I believe, a divine power) have given me. I’ve found some peace. And strength. And this is what optimism is about; not being blithely happy but understanding pain and choosing joy regardless.
I’m sorry to hear that your life sucks – mine seems like nothing in comparison – but you have my and countless other bloggers’ / readers’ support. Just say the way and we’ll provide therapy, via comments and retweets. Hang in there. It’ll suck but you’ll make it, eventually. In the meantime, write and write some more.